Again, I re-post a written hidden-feeling of one good friend of mine, Hesti. She posted it in bahasa Indonesia. So, I decided to transform it into English. Except for the first part, it’s a song lyric, so I made no change.
Happy reading, gals! I dedicate this modified re-post to Hesti, the amazing writer of Jeunk Hesti Blog.
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Tuhan, ajar kami untuk percaya
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Friday, July 26th, 2013
A glassful of black coffee sat on the table at a cafe. Side to side with an old laptop, as old as the color of the coffee powder that settled down quietly on the bottom of the glass. Softly heard a song, about the beauty of trust. It felt like, I was pulled back home to a memory. About me and you, accidentally met in virtual world. Started from a “PING!!”.. then we talked.. listened to each other’s voice by phone..
I was sure.. we met for a reason. Where we decided to leave the unpleasant past for a new life. Then we talked, at a space that was not so crowded, a cafe in my hometown. Jogjakarta. I could still see your stiff and shy face, along with thousands words staying inside of you, unborn. “Is this him?” Our pairs of eyes never stopped staring, recording every single details from a face, a face that fell down in red color, blushing of shyness.
I started to know you.. more than knowing, more than the word ‘know’. You and I.. or what I called ‘us’..
One day, we finally said how we like each other. I thought it was only from one side. Like the former ‘likes’. But now, it was not only me. You felt it too. I felt it is inappropriate to call our intimacy ‘a friendship’ – you might have the same thoughts in mind. Finally, a step ahead, another step ahead, I gave you my hope, I gave my trust to you to make my hope grow and being ripe inside of you. I had no idea.. it just happened out of me. Filling the room with feelings bubbles which could easily burst altogether. For you.. this room.. for you..
Then, time passed by.. I read the way you acted. Everything was confusing.. those doubts were easily seen from the way you looked at me. Your determination was reflected from the way you treated me. For one day I knew you better.. yet in another day another chance, I felt like I knew absolutely nothing about what you wanted.
Is there something wrong with me? With the place I live in now? With a matter of distance, separating these two big cities? Or with a trauma in the past you which is hard to let go? I never found myself understand this one problem in you, who always closed our serious conversation with a line, “I’m confused!”
I went home.
A train of twilight brought me back to the capital, for me to continue my activity as an ordinary employee in front of my workstation, sitting face to face to a computer and making jokes with the nominal on a pile of data tables.
I didn’t get any assurance, about you.. about me.. about us..
Your explanation sounded like a doubt. A doubt that limited me to find out the reason behind the existence of ‘doubts’. It happened… happened again… like my past.. when I came for a certainty, and then left without the result I expected.
When a trust, given in one way.
When a doubt creates a fortress against a decision, and leaves despair.
I have a lot in mind…
Is it the distance that makes you doubting the bond?
What kind of trust do you want? While your body language seems like saying a sentence, “Is trust important?”
About ‘love’… the thing you insisted to exist
What do I know about love?! Until this very second, I don’t understand love. What I know is about two human being meeting each other, liking each other, being attracted to each other, then both of them decide to be tied up in a commitment.. that’s all I know. I think… a commitment has the foundation of trusting each other out of the conceptual of ‘love’ you illustrated or defined – which I can never understand till now.
And I… I was struggling, striving for the trust I gave you. Even though I was trapped, over and over, inside my own doubts, my own exhaustion, my anger, and my jealousy toward the way you act to me. It was getting blurry.. of how the trust stands so close to the lies, hypocrisy. Yet, I chose, still, to trust you.
Saturday, July 27th, 2013..
The sediment of my coffee powder still settle down on the bottom of the glass.. I can still catch the smell even after it was dissolved and emptied. I wish I could order another glass, just as accompaniment while I am gibbering about him. But they say, the cafe will be closed soon.
I have to go before they get rid of me.
But at least, let me finish writing about him..
“Hey.. when you accidentaly find this post, or read it. I wish, you can understand (even just a little).. how a trust can strengthen someone. And if one day the trust I have is breaking myself.. I still want to believe.. that there will be something good, and beautiful for me someday..”
For you… the one in doubt..
-blub blub blub-