“I got a lot on my mind
Got some more on my plate
My baby got me looking forward to the end of the day
What you say? You and me
Just forget about the past, throw it in the trash
What you say? You and me
Live the life we never had like we’re never going back”
– “This is What Falling in Love Feels Like” by JVKE
I started this new habit every time I drive: choosing 1 song to play on Spotify and let it chooses the rest of the playlist to give a splash of surprise in my daily routine (and yes, I make a system and procedure out of almost everything, I live in autopilot most of the times and it gets boring sometimes).
This song passed through on my evening drive back home tonight. I have to say… it got me.
A little bit of a backstory, I reconnect with my latest ex and we get to talking in daily basis now. Sometimes even a call.
We broke up in November 2021. He contacted me again in December 2021, trying to rekindle what we had (or so I thought), and he asked to meet again in October 2022. I said yes (no, it’s not a marriage proposal).
We met, and long story short… it was a mess. The meet-up led to a decision that I really had to cut it off. We were not belong together.
Until some times after… he pinged me and somehow got the impression that we were still together, even though we were not talking much, not even once a week. Ah, I forgot to mention that we had been in long distance relationship since 2017.
Anyway, I cleared things up, said that we were no longer together and whatnot. The book was closed in 2022, and that’s it.
However… he ended up appearing in my inbox again. This time, more intense. Messages. Calls. Attentions…
I responded, because really, I never had a problem with staying friends with exes. And I am single. So… no harm.
He brought up the ideas of us being together (again), whether we were meant for each other (or not) and such. I told him, “I am not closing any doors. If we are back together, it would be okay, but things have to change – we cannot go to the same rough path again.” (well, more or less something like that).
And so we talk regularly.
During the “waiting time” from our break-up until today, there were several moments where I interact with other guys who pique my interest. But it’s mostly an “almost”. I haven’t found myself fully infatuated in any of those interactions.
I make a conscious decision that I don’t want to rush into jumping into another relationship, so those “almost”-s are not a problem.
But the thing is… it makes me think waaaaay too much about my ex. Is he a factor of me not wanting another relationship? Is it because of him that I don’t find other men fully attractive? But if I think about it, he wasn’t a perfect boyfriend, our relationship was not a smooth sailing. So, WHAT THE FUDGE IS HAPPENING?
The song added crazy thoughts in my brain. Should I give it another shot? Should I forget the past and just be together again?
ExtraordinarNee 